Tea for Two, and Two for Tea
by Indy is awesome
Summary: Rorschach finds a new partner that may help him with his nocturnal activities. Will things go well, or horribly awry? Are both men up to the task? Rated T for language, violence, sexual assault, and weaponry.
1. Chapter 1

Tea For Two, and Two For Tea

Rorschach's journal

September 15, 1985

Rorschach felt low that morning, so low that he decided to put on his outfit first thing in the morning. He couldn't stand to look in the mirror without it. When he walked out on the street, women screamed, men ran away, and little children laughed. He picked up _The New Frontiersman_ and the newsvendor ran straight up to his apartment building without a word. After that, he came to his favorite restaurant, and everyone looked horrified.

_Typical_, thought Rorschach.

The city is a waste. Basest human life forms known to man wallow in its uncanny valleys. Pity we don't have a gigantic hair dryer to blow it all away. What I wrote down made me chuckle.

Rorschach stopped writing and began to reflect. He put his thumb and forefinger on the right side of his face and began to think. It was hard coming up with new things to write about when all that existed was misery and grime. Just then, a hurried-looked man in a waistcoat, vest, and tan suit pants walked in the door and absently sat across from Rorschach.

"Oh, hey, neighbor," said the man. "You don't mind if I sit here, do you?"

Rorschach surveyed the stranger, but his attention cast a longer glance at his curly red hair than he ordinarily would have. Redheads were hard to come by in this city, and he looked certainly unusual. After this, he looked at his lime-green eyes. That was even more unusual. Also, the man had a nervous, worried look about him, as if someone was continuously watching his back. Rorschach jotted down a few quick notes in his journal.

Man just sat across from me. Has a troubled frown. Wonder what I can do for him, but there is nothing I can give him.

"Oh, hey, mon," he said with a smile, pointing at his sign. "I love that sign! _The End Is Nigh._ Very fitting in these times."

With a sharp glance, he appraised this man. He was wearing normal, ordinary clothes. He shaved. He kept himself in decent condition. There was nothing volatile or even temperamental about this man. Rorschach wrote some more notes in his journal.

Should I tell him I punish filth? Maybe he's an outcast like I am. No… better not say anything. He wouldn't understand.

Rorschach took out his New Frontiersman and started reading. Argus took out his copy of it, and Rorschach snorted. Some hurdy-gurdy middle-class yuppie decided to see what the "undesirables" read for a change. Now he knew why he "loved" Rorschach's sign. He was making fun of him.

"Absolutely incredible," muttered the man. Rorschach sighed, and frowned. "Pure genius!"

Rorschach stood up and shouted, "_What?_" much to the alarm of everyone there. "But I'm…" When he noticed everyone's worried glances, he sat down. "Er… hurm. Only one who buys that paper."

"I prefer _The New York Times_ myself, but _The New Frontiersman_ is an excellent editorial," said the man brightly. "You can't get much more anti-Communist than that. God, I love that. I love this country." He kissed the paper, read the last few sentences on the back, sighed contentedly, and threw it in the recycle bin. He turned to leave, but Rorschach tapped him on the shoulder.

"Do you punish filth?" asked Rorschach.

"Yes," said the man.

Rorschach was a trifle awed and very embarrassed. Here was a proper gentleman, and Rorschach had the gall to sneer at the man's very clothes. He was about to apologize, but then remembered he hadn't actually done anything.

"Well, mate, let's talk," he said. "You must strike up a lot of interesting conversations carrying that big old sign of yours."

"No," said Rorschach, unsure of what to say next.

"Well, to tell the truth, I've been wary about nuclear war since the 1950s, and before then, I was worried about getting my head blown off anyway, so it's always best to be prepared," he explained. "Plus, Communism is a highly dogmatic ideology."

"What about stigmatic?" asked Rorschach.

"No, a stigmatic policy would be one of their policies, but you can have a dogmatic ideology. Communism is highly one-sided and leaves no room for political debate and freedom of expression," he explained.

Rorschach was careful to write down notes in his journal in case any leftists would confront him with opposing views. He wrote,

Communism dogmatic. Policies stigmatic. Strange man a raving genius. Need his assistance in punishing filth.

"Say," said Rorschach, "I need assistance."

"For what?" the man asked, showing a full grin. "I'd be more than happy to help with whatever you might need."

"Punishing filth," said Rorschach bluntly.

"I'd love to," the man asked as if Rorschach had asked the weatherman if it might rain. "Now when can we start?"

"First, name," said Rorschach, "And meet me at dumpster in alley near 5th Avenue and Broad Street."

The man wrote down notes, and said, "My name's Argus, Argus McConnaught."

"Good… good," said Rorschach, smiling creepily, since he hadn't in years. _But first pay visit to Daniel_, thought Rorschach. _Starving._

Argus took something out of his back pocket. It smelled suspiciously like a sugar cube… and it was. Rorschach snatched it out of his hand, and Argus snatched it back.

"Next time, ask first," scolded Argus.

"Uh… please," said Rorschach, scowling.

"That's a good boy," said Argus, handing him his packet of sugar cubes. "Now it's getting late and I must go. I can't wait until tonight!" he finished brightly, and then turned and left.

Rorschach munched on his sugar cubes happily and felt light as a feather, more at ease than he had been since the Keene Act was passed. He went to "home"… actually, his living area, and wrote down in his journal.

Now have a partner in punishing filth. Learned so much today about human condition. People are like me. Wonderful.

Later that night, Rorschach donned his outfit and went where he had instructed Argus to wait. He had been waiting for Rorschach for the past five minutes. Rorschach wrote down,

Argus is punctual. Very good indeed.

He reflected on how his journal, once sparse, was now crammed with notes, but decided he would reflect on it further later.

"All right, let's go out and do stuff," said Argus. "Got your machete ready, mate?"

Rorschach flicked it out, and flicked other things out while listing them. "Knife. Blowgun. Hot glue gun. Torch. Sugar cubes."

"May I have one?" asked Argus.

"…Yes," said Rorschach strangely, because no one had asked him this before. He gave Argus one, and he swallowed it in one gulp.

"Ah, delicious," said Argus. "Now, please continue."

"That's it. Oh, yes, and grappling hook gun," he finished.

"Great," said Argus, "Now, let's go. I'll drive."

"…Drive?" asked Rorschach.

They walked down an alley, and hidden behind a row of trashcans was a black Honda. Both of them moved the trashcans out of the way, and they drove through the night. The windows were wide open, and Rorschach looked ill at ease.

"Urrrgghh. Carsick," said Rorschach.

"YOU SON OF A BITCH, GET YOUR HAND OFFA ME!" shouted a high-pitched feminine voice. She couldn't have been older than fourteen.

Rorschach vomited his dinner through the window. Argus continued further.

"Almost there, mate," he said, completely unfazed by what had just happened. They found the alley, and Argus lunged out. Rorschach tottered behind him and fell to his knees. Argus helped him up.

"There's a rapist mugging a girl," said Argus.

"…Hurm?" whimpered Rorschach, feeling extremely dizzy. When he saw the rapist, his blood boiled and he instantly snapped to attention, his mind's gears shifting back to normal. He growled like a wild beast…


	2. Chapter 2

**Tea For Two, and Two For Tea**

**Chapter 2**

** Rorschach jumped in the air and was about to pounce on top of the rapist while the girl watched wild-eyed in terror. Argus ran behind the rapist and held him down by the waist, handcuffing him by the shirtsleeves by tying them into a knot. He tied his legs together with a piece of twine. Rorschach stabbed the man repeatedly through the nostrils and slit his throat. The girl looked at them like they were complete maniacs. Argus could only stare in horror, and then he shouted,**

** "You bastard!"**

** Rorschach gazed at him impassively.**

** "You're not supposed to kill the dupe! We had him in the palm of our hands! You're supposed to turn him in!" he shouted furiously.**

** The girl continued to stare at them. She pulled out her notebook and wrote down,**

** Dear Diary,**

** My uncle is evil. He tried to grab my funny parts. Mommy and Daddy are still at that play. …Well, he's dead now. What's going to happen next?**

** Rorschach was unfazed… and even bored by Argus's outrage. However, when he heard the rustling of paper, something caught his eye. It was a diary. He felt a small pang of despair, and wondered what he should do.**

** "Write down in journal," said Rorschach, pointing to himself.**

** "You?" asked the girl, curious.**

** Rorschach nodded.**

** "I've been writing in this thing since I was little," she said, "I write about kitties and puppies and school plays and most recently, makeup. What do you write about?"**

** "Crime. Filth. Inhabitants of city," he said. She giggled.**

** "You should write a book. I'm going to when I get around to it," she said innocently.**

** Rorschach nodded.**

** Argus was touched by this heartfelt gesture.**

** "Well, hate to break up you two lovebirds, but we need to either get rid of this body or come up with an alibi," said Argus grimly.**

** "I have an idea," said the girl, "Throw him in the East River!"**

** Rorschach and Argus looked at each other with apprehension.**

** Three hours later, Argus salvaged one of his body bags from the 50s just in case of nuclear fallout, put the body in with the help of Rorschach, went far out to sea, and dumped the body in the ocean. They had already informed her parents what had happened, and her parents were more than willing to comply with their daughter's request "since they wanted to keep their name out of the papers".**

** "People are weird, wouldn't you say?" asked Argus when they came back to his place. "Sometimes, I don't know why I bother to save them."**

** Rorschach nodded in understanding. "Sometimes think people I save… seem little better than filth attacking them. They're just… there, never paying attention to anything." Rorschach felt a guilty pang in his chest and realized that was what he'd been doing all this time. Argus saw Rorschach's mask's features change, and patted him on the shoulder. Rorschach didn't even flinch.**

** "You were a brave man today, Rorschach," said Argus proudly. "I would never have had the guts to do something like that."**

** "Don't say that," hissed Rorschach, "You're braver than most of us. When you said… 'Don't kill'… I was impressed. Give victims mercy? What an idea."**

** _And now I wonder_, thought Rorschach, _Is there more to life than this?_**

** Argus caught Rorschach's expression, and said, "Travel will do you a world of good. Now, New York isn't the only city that needs assistance in punishing filth. D'you want to go to Paris and stop crime there? Although there are no vigilantes, they never had a Keene Act."**

** Rorschach stopped dead in his tracks, and thought, _Paris? Hurm. At first, only thought of New York. But the world… who knows what happens in the world?_**

** After pursing his lips and thinking the matter over, he said, "Will do it."**

** "Good man," said Argus, shaking Rorschach's hand. "Now, be ready first thing tomorrow morning, and for God's sake, get some proper clothes," he said, giving Rorschach $150.**

** Rorschach frowned, and said, "Too much money."**

** "Use it," replied Argus, "To buy some proper clothes. Maybe you could get a better mask-"**

** Rorschach pulled out his knife and pointed it at Argus's throat. "_Never… insult… my… face._" And with that, he stormed off.**

** _Jesus Elizabeth Christ_, thought Argus, _That man has issues and a bad case of nerves._**

**September 16, 1985**

** The next morning, Rorschach showed up in brand-new clothes. He wore a white, sleeveless T-shirt, black sweatpants, a purple sweatshirt, and Nike track shoes. His "outfit" was neatly tucked away in his carry-on bag along with sugar cubes and his assorted weapons. When they X-rayed his person at the airport, he began to get fidgety. Would they find any of his weapons? No, they didn't. When they were safely out of security's earshot, Argus whispered to Rorschach,**

** "I magically hid your weapons from their sight. I made them invisible."**

** Rorschach's head spun to Argus's. "Don't play games with me," he rasped. Argus conjured up a plate of cookies, and Rorschach watched in slack-jawed stupor. He hurriedly pulled out his journal from his sweatshirt's pocket, and scribbled down,**

** _MADE WEAPONS INVISIBLE? That man…_**

** He watched Argus's retreating figure, and boarded the plane.**

** _…is some man_, he finished.**

** Rorschach had never flown on a plane before, so of course, he received the aisle seat. Perky stewardesses served him fish and cinnamon shakes for lunch halfway across the Atlantic, which he wolfed down. A waitress asked Argus in French,**

** "Se allez-vous commez se fant?"**

** "Merci beacoup," he replied, and the stewardess scurried off.**

** "What was that?" asked Rorschach.**

** "French," said Argus, "She asked me if I'd like the same food as my kid. She thought you were my kid."**

** Rorschach snorted, and wrote down in his journal,**

** _French. Don't like them already._**

** There was only two or three pages left of his journal, which caused him to look alarmed. Argus gave him a brand-new one; Rorschach looked at him tentatively, and said, "Thanks."**

** "Don't mention it," said Argus, flipping back to his _New York Times_.**

** When they were flying over Paris, Rorschach glanced out the window in utter amazement. 18th century and 19th century architecture dominated the scene, as well as several castle complexes from all periods of history. Ironically, although the architecture was ancient, the city looked extremely modern, the streets were paved nice and clean, and the shops (there were so many of them) were hustling and bustling. There were too many crowds, crowds in Paris's back alleys that put Times Square's crowds to shame. There were too many bridges, and the Seine flowed majestically in the middle of the city, dividing it in half, like a great sapphire serpent surrounded by its magnificent jeweled prize. It was all too much for Rorschach to take once they landed in the airport, and when Argus and he retrieved his luggage, he said,**

** "How supposed to punish filth in city like _this?_ Everything so broad, so free-flowing, so open…"**

** "You'd be surprised," said Argus without a touch of irony, "Very, very surprised."**

** "Hurm," said Rorschach uneasily.**

** They stayed in Argus's old bachelor pad from the 1810s, and it was Argus's turn to feel uneasy. It was bringing back painful and unpleasant memories for him, so he said,**

** "Let's take a stroll around the boulevard."**

** It was around 11:00pm and Rorschach didn't feel the slightest bit tired, possibly because it was only 5:00pm back home in New York.**

** "Yes," said Rorschach, putting on his outfit and going out with him. **

**After a while's walk, Argus said, "Let's split up. You take the north side of the city; I'll take the south side. Best wishes," he added with a wink and went off.**

** "Hurm," commented Rorschach, and decided to scale his grappling hook over a building just north of the one that directly faced the Seine. For the first time in his life, Rorschach viewed the rooftops of a city with complete and total wonderment. The city's lights were all lit up, making it look like a gigantic circus, or Disney World. He wondered if there could be a city any more beautiful than this, when he heard someone scream,**

** "_Allons!_"**

** According to "The Beginner's Guide to Rescue Someone in Paris," it said, "Allons!" meant, "Come!" which meant someone had to come quickly to his or her aid. Rorschach scaled down the building and headed off into the direction of the sound. He found a mugger pointing a knife at an innocent twenty-two-year-old man, and judging by the gestures he was making, it was clear he wanted his wallet. Rorschach came up behind him and slammed a fist into the back of his head. The mugger looked completely astonished, and found Rorschach's boot stuck to the top of his assailer's head. Somewhere, a historical reenactment was playing _Le Marmalleise_, and the boy felt a grand feel of pride towards his protector, but that didn't last long when Rorschach grabbed the mugger's own knife and stabbed him repeatedly in the brains. The boy screamed and ran away, and Rorschach thought, "Typical," but something wrong happened. He went into a phone booth.**

** "Allo, Police?" he asked the operator, and gave him details to the directions. Rorschach panicked, and quickly ran off from the scene. He heard another scream, and found a prostitute's daughter being manhandled by her mother's pimp. Evidently, he was going to force her into a life of servitude as well, but not on Rorschach's watch.**

** "****Tuez-le! Tuez-le!" she shouted. Rorschach knew what **_**that**_** meant. He strangled the man and set fire to the whorehouse. Instantly, police sirens and ambulance trucks' horns rolled in.**

** Rorschach swore under his breath, and kicked a stop sign. Was everyone and everything punctual in this city, even in the crime-ridden areas? Two seconds later, he heard yet another scream. This time, it was at a busy intersection, where someone was trying to cop a feel to a young girl. Although people and vehicles surrounded her, no one moved or stopped to help. Rorschach felt a great, boiling rage build inside of him, since he was unconsciously reminded of Kitty Genovese. He leaped into the air, grabbed the man, and without thinking, mashed him into a bloody pulp. The girl watched the entire scene with tear-streaked eyes. Although several passerbies watched, no one lent a hand. When Rorschach was finished, the passerby left, but the girl, without warning, gave him a big hug. Rorschach attempted to shake her off, but her grip was too tight.**

** "Thank you," she said in English, "You really mean the world to me tonight. He was the most horrible man."**

** When Rorschach realized he couldn't shake her off, her words slowly sank in, and he felt amazed. Someone felt **_**thankful**_** for what he did, extremely appreciative, and somehow, she knew he was American and even had the decency to speak in English for him.**

** "But you know," she said, "You really should've minded your own business."**

** Rorschach scowled and snarled, and said, "Don't care," but was stopped when he heard a gun's trigger click.**

** "You're coming with me, hot shot," said the girl, who automatically changed into a black man in his fifties. Rorschach looked like he was going to lose his lunch. He wrote down in his journal,**

_**Is it me, or do Paris and I not agree?**_

** He went off with him.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Tea For Two, and Two For Tea**

**Chapter 3**

** When he followed the man to his squalid tenement, the man bade him a seat, and showed him his crystal ball.**

** "Listen and look closely," he said, turning the lights off and showing images of Argus saving people. Unlike Rorschach, Argus never killed anyone, and he always turned the criminals in to the police. Everyone loved him. They gave him hugs, flowers, and kisses. It enraged Rorschach. Why should _he_ be loved for punishing filth when Rorschach did the same thing and was feared?**

** "You don't like it, do you?" asked the man, as if reading his mind.**

** "Expect different answer?" asked Rorschach with a scowl.**

** The man smiled slightly, and said, "Good. Good… well, now that you've seen what he's done for the world and what the world has done for him, how would you like to… switch places?" he asked, waving his hands slightly in circular motions.**

** Rorschach looked at him curiously, and asked him, "Hurm?"**

** "You know… switch bodies," continued the man, "You go in his body, and he goes in yours."**

** Meanwhile, Argus had broke into the man's home and watched the foretelling events from looking through a one-way glass mirror inside a sitting room. You could comb your hair in the kitchen and spy on people in the kitchen through the sitting room. Without knowing it, the man had accidentally locked himself into a trap. For the briefest glance of a second, the light switched just a tad in the kitchen, and Rorschach caught a brief glance at Argus's face. He smiled, and Argus replied with patient worry.**

** "Really think you're big stuff?" asked Rorschach.**

** The man furrowed his brow and realization sank in. He slammed his fist on the table.**

** "Damn him, him and all his tricks!" shouted the man, presumably to Argus. "You useless bastard!" he shouted, mainly at himself but partially to anyone who was listening. Rorschach did not flinch or move the slightest facial muscle.**

** "Never compromise principles," said Rorschach, who stood up, picked up the crystal ball, and slammed it in his face. Much to his surprise, he vanished, but when police investigated the crystal ball years later, after Veidt had completely leveled the city, they found a little man inside, pounding his fists, and shouting, "You assholes! Let me out, dammit!" They also found a note that read,**

** We had a good laugh about his predicament. Please do not destroy the crystal ball. Instead, keep it locked away somewhere safe.**

** Thank you! Have a nice day now.**

** A.M. and "W.K." R.**

** They also found what looked like an inkblot smudge, except its patterns seemed to suggest a human face, with a winking eye…**

**September 17, 1985**

** When Argus and Rorschach came back to Rorschach's tenement, both men gave each other huge embraces, and the landlady found them, ran away, and screamed. They didn't even notice her chugging her Jameson bottle and passing out on the bathroom floor.**

** "Oh, man, that was incredibly awesome!" said Argus.**

** "Yes," said Rorschach simply, "It was." He nodded, and said, "Learn lesson?"**

** "Never life a vigilante's life when you're a professional magician," shouted Argus crisply. "How 'bout you?"**

** "Never go back to Paris," said Rorschach with a shudder, and after Argus laughed, he continued. "Friends are valuable. Life is beautiful. Everyone seems to be good if you know the right tricks." He turned toward Argus with a smile, and shrugged. "Still have to live my life."**

** "Same here, mate," said Argus, "And we'll probably never see each other again," but when he noticed Rorschach staring at his shoes without even attempting to hide his disappointment, he said, "But I'll do you a favor, the best favor of your life."**

** Rorschach stood, head cocked to the side, one arm akimbo, as if to say, _What could a man like you possibly do for me?_**

** "We'll see," said Argus, reading him correctly, and promptly left. Without anything to do, Rorschach put on his scarf, pulled out his sign, and walked out in the chilly autumn air.**

** Argus found a woman leaning against the back of a wall, coming up with her own personal way to wile away the hours before the free clinic started.**

** "Hello, pleased to meet you," said Argus, shaking her hand.**

** "Hi," she said hesitantly.**

** _Let's see…_ thought Argus, _She seems to be about his age. She's black, though. Not sure what his opinion on race is, but it better be good. Now, he'll be coming around here in fifteen to twenty minutes…_**

** "So, what's up?" he asked her.**

** "Nothing, really, just trying to do… something," she said, waving her hands back and forth.**

** "If someone went up to you with a picket sign, which said, 'The End is Nigh', what would you do or say?" he asked her.**

** She looked at him in mock outrage and slight embarrassment, and said, "I've actually noticed that guy a couple of times around, and I think he's kinda cute, but I've never had the nerve of asking him hello. He's just so serious."**

** "Well," said Argus, "Let's pretend I'm him." He gave her his best Walter Kovacs impression, and she doubled over laughing.**

** "Oh, my God, well, _that_ broke the ice!" she said. "I'll never look at him the same way again. Thank you so much! May I have your name?"**

** "Yes," said Argus, "My name is Argus McConnaught."**

** "Oh, I've heard of you!" she said, pointing out at him. "You're one of the few New Yorkers outside the 'burbs that still read The New York Times. That's an amazing paper, but they're very expensive these days."**

** "Impressive," said Argus, "How did you know?"**

** "I read an article in the Gazette about you," she said, "One of the few interesting articles they've said ever since their foundation. In fact, that was probably the only one." She smiled, and said, "I really like guys like you. You bring hope and joy into the callous, mundane world."**

** "Well, it was very nice to meet you," he said, "But I'll be incredibly busy going to save the world and stuff."**

** "I understand," she said, "But, again, thank you. You've given me courage to speak to that, um…"**

** "Street prophet?" suggested Argus.**

** She smiled, and said quietly, "That was very good."**

** "Thank you," said Argus.**

** "And, yes, Argus," she said, "I've tried to talk to people before, but they're either busy, mean, or uninterested. Don't get me wrong, I have friends at the clinic, but still! You have to admit it's a little bit awkward being surrounded by people and never getting the chance to talk to anyone."**

** "You could go to the social events," he said, and added, "Here," when he realized he wasn't sure what they had around here.**

** "_Nightclubs?_ Forget about it," she said, "This ain't suburbia, where you can walk into any stranger's home and they're throwing a party while crazy techno stuff is playing. It ain't nice 'round here. I remember when one of the doctors invited me to his home for Christmas. It was Heaven. The TV was playing, kids were bustling around, and everyone was running around and doing stuff. It reminded me of my childhood growing up in Westchester, except all the kids were either too old or too young, and now I'm too old for anything," she said with a laugh. "Well, I'm sorry, my mouth seems to have run off a lot, but we'll talk later, okay?"**

** "Okay," he said, and they parted ways and never saw each other again.**

**After introductions, "Rorschach" Walter Joseph Kovacs and Chloe Whitfield had their famous conversation and immediately fell in love; only it would take about a month for them to admit it.  
-**


End file.
